Well, I must say, that I don't think I've ever eaten so much in the two days of food fest that I experienced last week. First, of course, was Thanksgiving which featured not just one but two traditional turkey and fixings meals. The first was 'lunch' with Karen's brothers and sisters and their kids at the Candle Light Inn. The food was fabulous and made putting up with the restaurant thing much more bearable.
But the best was saved for last as we spent Thanksgiving dinner with our friends Jim and Lisa, their kids and Jim's parents, sister and her family. Now, this is what Thanksgiving was meant to be. A fire in the fireplace, football on TV, kids running around and family being family, and the smells of turkey roasting in the oven. Now, that's Thanksgiving to me. And it was a wonderful way to end the day. Although the drive back was a bit on the sleepy side after all that turkey.
Now I mentioned eating more than ever before and my two meals on Wednesday in New York put the totals over the normal for any week or even two weeks of consumption. I had lunch with one of our printer at the Palmwhere besides the fabulous bowl of soup, the shared King crab claws, the bread, the shared Gigi Salad and of course, my main course, a 16 oz. filet mignon. Yeah, that's right, one pound of all-american, red (and I like it really rare) meat. And it was one of the best steaks I've ever had in New York. So, if you like good food, it's the place to eat. And it never hurts when someone else is paying.
Just a mere four hours later there was dinner with my cousin Shira at Josie's Restaurant. I had the Grilled Breast of Chicken Scarpriello which was preceded by some salad and one Jack on the rocks. Needless to say this was huge chicken breast and oh so tasty. You almost wonder how I could have consumed more food the very next day. Sometimes, I even surprise myself. Well, not really. It was Thanksgiving you know.
Was it the Bangles who were the smart ones to sing about Manic Mondays? And then of course there's the Boomtown Rats "I Don't Like Mondays."
In any case, I am a the poster boy for ineffectiveness and distraction on Mondays. Every Monday. Without fail. I take too much time to finish the simplest things, lose track of what I'm doing, work on too many things without truly finishing any of them and so on. And by the end of the day, like now, I'm just ready to go to sleep. Hard.
Now the above are all things I have greater control over every day of the week except of course, Mondays. It's strange, I know, but it is what it is and has always been this way. It's become more pronounced, I think, since I've been working in a 'solo' environment but it's something that no matter how much I may plan or try to change it, it still happens.
I don't really have a theory of the hows and whys, only that it must be confusing to my brain to go from the layed back weekend back into the work week. But that theory is shot full of holes when my Mondayitis exists even following weekends where I've been busy working rather than 'relaxing.'
So that it. I've confessed my disdain for Mondays. And thank goodness my college semesters always started on Tuesdays. And I've even taken my suspicions of Mondays so far as to only start new jobs on Tuesdays. (Try explaining that one to a new employer...I usually explain it as a habit or funny little quirk of mine.) Needless to say, this Monday only has 1.5 hours left in it, and I really can't wait until the clock strikes midnight, and dear, sweet Tuesday, brings a fresh outlook to things in my world.
I really don't think of myself as an insensitive person, maybe a bit slow in catching on in certain situations, but for the most part, I'm pretty caring and concerend about those that I love and are around me. But somehow, I seem to continually make missteps with the one closest to me, my wife.
Take tonight for instance. She's in Philadelphia this weekend, since Thursday night, for a PT class and I've had the kids on my own. The hardest part of this was that Friday was her birthday and I know that she misses the kids a ton and worries incessantly. Tonight, I decided to have some friends and their kids over for pizza dinner and a movie. I hadn't told Karen because I just didn't get a chance too. And little did I expect the reaction I got. K's initial reaction on the phone was shock in that she thought I'd be 'too overwhelmed' to have done anything social. Of course, then I had to answer the unnecessary (in my mind) questions about was the house clean, did I have dessert, did everyone have something to drink, etc.
This whole 'attitude' makes me defensive which makes listening more difficult. We agreed to speak later too decide whether or not to let Izzy sell cookies with her Brownie troop on Sunday while I took Liam to his school event. (K was against the idea, thinking of all the bad things that could happen and I was more comfortable with her troop leader's ability to handle any issues with Izzy's leg situation, her wheelchair and any trips to the bathroom.)
Our follow-up call was a bit of a bummer. Karen's upset because she feels lonely and misses the kids and somehow my little party was the cause, or strong reinforcement, of her feeling this way. I apologized for her feeling badly and her reaction was that I wasn't listening and it wasn't about me. She said that I wasn't feeling what she was feeling and that I just needed to listen. Anything I did say was just the wrong thing and she threw out the 'I thought I married a sensitive person' guilt trip line. This whole thing has left me just plain confused and feeling totally clueless.
I have to admit the last year has been one of the more difficult ones in our many years together. We are trying to work things out but I'm not sure that it's working all that well. And that really scares me more than anything. And I don't know if tonight's conversation is indicative of the situation—she added how she was uncomfortable about people being in the house when she wasn't here, brought up her privacy issue and some other stuff, but the bottom line was there. She said she felt like I wasn't connecting with her (I'm feeling like a horrible person and I don't even know what I've done 'wrong') because I couldn't feel what she was feeling. Honestly, I do know what it feels like to be lonely, having worked alone in my office for the past two years, but I'm not really sure what she needed or wanted me to say or do, besides saying I felt badly that she was feeling badly, that I love her and that she'll be home tomorrow and we'll all be happy to see her. (I'll be happy but quite anxious, I'm sure.)
The thing that bothered me the most was her comment that she thought I'd be too overwhelmed to do any such thing. But really, I've been doing pretty well. There have been moments of frustration—expected when dealing with a two-year old boy and a six-year old with a full leg cast—but despite the pressure, I've managed to clean the house, do the laundry and keep things relatively calm. And it was much more fun having people over for dinner than just having dinner by ourselves (which we did last night). It's not something we do much when we are all here and something I'm always talking about wanting to do, and so, I worked it out and made it happen, especially since Izzy hasn't seen much of her friends lately. Is that so bad?
Is it the fact that I did have fun when I went to my conference back in June? We worked very hard during the day and played hard at night. I missed the kids and Karen but I also took advantage of being away to have a little fun that I know is much harder to do when you are at home, and in the process I got to know the people I was at the conference with a bit better. Granted our conferences were a bit different, mine was a national meeting of the leadership of a professional organization and K's is pretty much a class for PTs to learn new skills. (Of course, I was told that having fun in St. Louis had been wrong, as well). I just don't know anymore. And I certainly don't want to see the kids get hurt because of any of this stuff. That would be the worst. This really bites and I don't really know what to do.
So, anybody got a clue?
Later today, I will pay respects to our neighbor who lost her long battle with cancer. Later in the week, another friend's father will be layed to rest. I seem surrounded, at least this year, with the end of the cycle. Or maybe not The End but the physical end.
Yesterday a child came out to wonder
Caught a dragonfly inside a jar
Fearful when the sky was full of thunder
And tearful at the falling of a star
That end, the snuffing out of some of the light in our own lives, does not seem to re-brighten over time. The darkness only seems to soften.
Then the child moved ten times round the seasons
Skated over ten year frozen streams
Words like ‘when you’re older’ must appease him
And promises of ‘someday’ make his dreams
All that you hold in your heart and mind about a loved one lost can reflect unrealized dreams or simply the truth. Either way what's left is the hurt and the pain.
And the seasons they go round and round
And the painted ponies go up and down
We’re captive on the carousel of time
We can’t return we can only look behind from where we came
And go round and round and round in the circle game
In our own lives we live through our experiences as sign posts of the past. Some good and some bad but reminders just the same. And once you lose someone so close, your perceptions of those around you shifts as well, for the good and the bad.
Sixteen springs and sixteen summers gone now
Cart wheels cross to car wheels through the town
And you tell him take your time it won’t be long now
Till you drag your feet to slow those circles down
With each loss your life becomes new. With every ending there is a new beginning or so it seems to me. That doesn't make things any easier and I know that some lose their way in the grief that follows a loss.
So the boy who dreamed tomorrow now is twenty
Though his dreams have lost some grandeur, coming true
There’ll be new dreams maybe better dreams a plenty
Before the last revolving year is through
The years will come and the years go. I watch my children grow and a sadness creeps in that they barely got to know my Dad, never got a chance to even meet K's parents, and well, with my Mom, the jury is still out. You'd think that a loss makes you value more what you have, but sometimes it doesn't work out that way.
And the seasons they go round and round
And the painted ponies go up and down
We’re captive on the carousel of time
We can’t return we can only look behind from where we came
And go round and round and round in the circle again
Well, the outcome I least wanted has been realized and we have another four years of W and a nation polarized. W used the exact same words he used four years ago about reaching out, but let's face it, he doesn't have, hasn't done it in the first four years so I don't expect it now.
Honestly, I'm surprised that 51% of the country really wants a man who misled the country into war to stay in office. Is it as one voter put it, 'it's up to him to clean up his own mess'? If so, should we expect more satellite photos showing nothing but trying to obscure the truth?
Of course, my other concern is Dubya's close ties to the religious right. This will effect any possible judicial choices unless the Democrats are open to appearing obstructionist against those choices. There will be continuing chorus of a moral right to declare what's right for others. And of course, a continued arrogance toward those whose sexual choices we don't agree with. So much for the freedom of choice that American's so celebrate.
Since I didn't exercise my freedom of travel and move the family to Canada, it will be up to people like me to speak out against any government actions that challenge the freedoms most of us take for granted. And whether or not you agree with those choices, it is not the government's right or duty to define morality through legislation. It's going to be an interesting four years and let's all pray that our freedom survives.
My little Izzy broke her leg yesterday and spent her Halloween in the ER at Johns Hopkins with Mom. Honestly, she was real trooper throughout most of the entire ordeal and I am quite proud of her.
I took Liam out trick or treating with some friends in the neighborhood and he had a blast as a dog. A dalmation to be exact. I took Izzy's candy bag with me and had it filled with candy, especially Resse's Cups. Her favorite and the only candy she really eats.
Anyhow, I've got a lot to say but no time. Have to jump into the shower and head out to the office when Karen get's home to take her turn hanging out with Izzy. This morning she was great, working on her school assignments with a lot of enthusiasm. It's fun to play teacher with your kid and watch them learn and enjoy it. Later, and I will get rid of the obnoxious comment spammers.