wordsimageslife
an exploration of life as a parent & designer

Signal but No Service?

Picking up a wireless signal but not connection to the web. So whille I comfortable scribe waterside, the posting will have to wait until I get into the office. Listening to one of my favorite songs by The Cure, I Love You. It's got the best lyrics about what love feels like, or even what true friendship feels like.

As I mentioned last night, today marks three weeks since my father passed away. I got three copies of the death certicate yesterday and finally had the courage to read it this morning. (Funny concidence about threes, there). On a more positive note, it's an extremely beautful day, the sun is warm, the water is reflecting it with a sparkle of joy and I'm just trying to capture one of those warm rays to lead off the day. As you may be able to tell, writing today is a bit difficult. I'm uncertain of what I want to say and I really don't want to whine or complain, because who the heck wants to read that.

Can I just say that five-year old girls are sometimes difficult to deal with. Now, as a kid I had a problem with sensitivity, so I'm more sensitive to it in my own kids. (Sensitive kids don't get treated well by other kids). And when Izzy started whining and crying, the tearless kind which a parent usually defines as mellow drama versus real crying, about wearing a uniform to school. "I don't like wearing a uniform,' she cried. Now, I'm thinking either something else is bugging her, she's still tired or just wants to be a pain to me in the morning. (Just kidding about that last one). Anyhow, in my brilliant parenting technique, I tell her to stop crying, get dressed or I'm going to get mad. She and I have an on-going discussion about crying and whining for things. She knows I have little or no patience for it and she seems to do it more often than not. Now, the Catch-22 is that if I do yell at her for it, well then she will cry. So, what do I do, when I really start getting mad at her, instead of yelling loud, I use a whisper that clearly says I'm not happy with her behavior and she just better knock it off. In all honesty, it rarely works. No one said this was an easy job. I really think I need to find a better way of dealing with it. I could just ignore her, that works with Liam when he has his minor fits, and tell her to get dressed. But usually that results in her going to slowly, which again creates a situation where intervention isn't always pleasant. Man, how did our parents put up with us for so long? I guess it's a good thing that we love our kids so much. Because if we didn't, we probably wouldn't work so hard at these kinds of things.

Well, it's time to get to work. Sunshine certainly can be therapeutic by this morning I realized that I miss being in NOLA. It was, despite some of the bigger issues, something that I managed to enjoy a lot more than I can probably admit. It was just a great group of people, great music and a few days away from the stress of work and in some ways, normal life. But now that I'm back to reality, I must deal with it and take it head on. None of this passive aggressive BS that I sometime use to function in uncomfortable situations. A very agstute friend suggested I do function that way sometimes, and appreciating the insight, have found it to be true and something that needs to change.

On a truly positive note, and the first public disclosure of this information, I will be one of seven in-house designers featured in a piece on in-house design being produced by International Paper to help promote one of their more popular lines of text and cover papers. This is incredibly cool and I was personally surprised that I was recommended by a designer I truly worship. It was quite an honor and I can't wait to see it.

Three Weeks Ago Tonight

It's 10:50 PM and I can barely keep my eyes open. Not really sure why. Maybe the weekend in NOLA in catching up with me or the anniversary weighs more heavily than I think. Tomorrow will be sunny and a nice day to write from the Harbor with my Starbucks coffee. That's my plan.

Music by the Water Side

Enjoying Baltimore's free wireless zone around the Inner Harbor and listening to NOLA music. Still beaming from the musical experience that was the first weekend of JazzFest 2004. As I wrote to a recent reader of "wordsiimageslife":

As for music to make you a bit jealous, I got to see George Porter playing with Snooks Eaglin, Johnny Vidacovich and June Yamagishi. That was definitely a highlight of the first weekend for me. Really just an incredible display of great musical skill and real soul to the music that you can't find anywhere but NOLA. Another highlight was that I did get to hear Galactic for the first time live and of course, the incomparable Dr. John. So, even without going to the Meters show I had enough music to make the weekend a great experience. Actually there was just so much music to hear, from a middle school choir doing upbeat and rocking Gospel to the somewhat mellow jazz tent. And even three days isn't really enough. Because not only do you have the music during the day but there's music at night.

We originally planned to see the Funky Meters at the House of Blues on Sunday morning at 2 am. (Yes, there are plenty of late night shows to choose from). As it turned out, the Meters were $30 a shot at HOB and at 1:45 am that seemed a hell of a lot of money to my friends with one more day of the festival to go. So instead we hung out on Bourbon Street and listened to some unknowns, drank some Abita (well, a lot of Abita), danced and just had a great time until around 5 am. New Orleans is that kind of town and it's surprising how many people are out all night doing just what we did. It's almost like time stands still. You are just hanging out with a bunch of good or new friends (in this case it was myself, Craig, Pam, Denise, Angie, Jen and at least one other person whose name is escaping me right now). But anyway, we all had such a good time just being together, taking in the music, the crowds (which get a little more bizzare as the hour gets later).

Actually that night started out with dinner (Karen, myself, Carla, Robert, Connie, Jen and John) at the Red FIsh Grill which is a fabulous seafood restaurant on Bourbon Street. I had the horseradish encrusted gulf fish with jalepeno cole slaw and shoe-string pototaoes. I also had some fried oysters which I like, though I still refuse to eat raw oysters (texture issue) and the mini-crawfish cakes were awesome as well. After dinner, Karen, Carla, Robert and I went out to this club called "The Dungeon." Now it cost us $3 to get in, for what I'm still not sure, but it was fun with an offbeat crowd (perfect place for me though i wasn't wearing black so i felt a little like an outsider) and the dance floor upstairs was blasting Korn so loud you couldn't hear yourself think. The whole motif was somewhere between Dungeons & Dragons (what did you expect?) and I kept thinking I'd see some S&M characters jumping out of the woodwork, but nope, that didn't happen. The bar upstairs did have bars from the top of the bar to the ceiling and the bartender was dressed in black. It was intereseting that they had two bouncers upstairs on the dance floor. An indication that things get a bit wild up there. Also there was this narrow passage way that you had to walk through to get to the door of the club. After this experience we figured we go watch other people try their hand at pretending they were singers at the Cat's Meow . It was really entertaining and to share a secret, I wouldn't have minded jumping up on that stage and giving it a shot, Really. I have a decent voice and always dreamed of being a rock star, didn't we all, and who wouldn't mind getting up on the stage in New Orleans and belting out a tune. Well, in any case, that didn't happen so I just enjoyed watching other people, including the guy who was so bad, he was almost good.

Well, I will post some pictures later but now it's time to get to work and head to the great indoors. But this has been a wonderful way to start the day. I recommend it to everyone. Just find a wireless access point near a large body of comforting water, a Starbucks and blog away, or dream away, or just enjoy being.

JazzFest 2004

This is the most difficult computer to work on, a piece of crap computer kiosk in a fast food joint on Bourbon Street.

Honestly while the music has been great, the trip itself has been closer to a disaster, on a personal level, than a grand success. Travel nightmares and not enough sleep are not good combinations. Not fun and I'm trying to move past it, today was better, but moving past it takes two. I don't want to avoid dealing with the issues but I do want to salvage what remains of the weeekend.

Now back to the music. Today really rocked. Saw Lenny Kravitz, Snooks Eglin and Rebirth Brass Band. Plus some straight jazz (Astral Project) and Indian dances/music, a little Gospel and lots of good Cajun food. Weather was cooperative as well. So from a festival standpoint, I really enjoyed myself today. Even met a couple from Federal Hill, how small world is that. And ran into two of our favorite artists. They had a booth at the festival and I walked by it and said, it can't be, but it was. Mitch and A.me who stayed at our house during the ACC Craft Fair two years in a row. They now live in New Mexico, ex-Californians who left while they still could. I'll provide a link to their site when I get back home or find wireless access.

Okay my 20 minutes will soon be up and I'm about to kill the keyboard. By the way, I've so far kept my promise to myself not to get drunk despite all the temptations. Hope to continue this even tonight, especially at 2 am when hopefully I'll be at the House of Blues listening to the Meters perform. Later.

Getting Ready to Roll to the Big Easy

Will hopefully be blogging from the road as we are headed to New Orleans, sans kids, for the first weekend of JazzFest. I hope to post at least once a day (depending on where I can find internet access) and may even put up some photos from the city of jazz, blues, cajun and just a whole lot of fun. Next post will probably from an airport somewhere. Later.

What Mornings Were Made For

For some reason there is nothing more life renewing then sitting at a neighborhood cafe, sipping my coffee, and writing. This should be a prerequisite for any day and any job. One cannot come into the office until they've spent at least half-an-hour relaxing outdoors and finding a means of self-expression. As the dear boy from Jersey says, "....we were born to run."

I don't know if it's just the caffeine kicking in but I feel particularly more chipper today than yesterday. Personally, I think it's because the sitter was almost on time, I had a little me time (right now) and I don't have that "where's the sitter" anxiety starting out my day.  Well, we shall see how long this lasts.

Totally divergent thought, but are blogs the new radio serials of old? Of course those were ficticious and commercially sponsored but still people followed them weekly (or in some instances daily), and they were the precursor to today's gaudy soap operas. But I still think there's a connection. As human beings I think we have a natural interest in the lives of the people around us. Just look at the success of reality programming on television, and of course the explosion of blogs. It's as if we've become the community we probably should be, learning about each other and sharing opinions, divergent and otherwise, and also being a source of support when needed.

Speaking of support, if any of you are curious about the process of design, you should really go here Ellen Lupton speak at Goucher College next Monday night. Ellen is the director of the MFA program at the Maryland Insititute College of Art as well as the curator of contemporary design at the Smithsonian’s Cooper-Hewitt, National Design Museum in New York City. She, along with her husband, Abott Miller, were among the first recipients of the coveted Chrysler Design Award.. And best of all the event is free of charge. Should be a fabulous discussion on how design has changed over the years.

Okay, well this wonderful moment in time has to end. But hey, wasn't it just a kicking way to start the day. It might just become my new routine. Happy Wednesday.

Hitting a Wall of Blue

Today, well yesterday now, was not a good day. I couldn't concentrate, I couldn't stay on task and by late afternoon, the wall of blue felt like it was sitting on top of me. This is definitely one of those moments in the process I've been forced to take that I can honestly say really sucks. And I think that's all I really have to say for right now.

A New Friend

It's not often that you stumble upon a new friend that seems almost too good to be real. And in this case, you could say this person isn't totally real since most of our communication has been electronic. But still, there's something there that says to me this is a friend who I can only hope will be around a long time. I think what i've found surprising about this new friendship, is the speed at which it has developed and how much I've come to rely on this person.

I have found this whole thing quite interesting and maybe even, a bit weird. Is the speed associated with the medium or the mere fact that when it starts electronically, there's less tension that a physical presence can sometimes create? And the fact that I seem to have developed a fairly strong connection with this person is really neat, especially since we both recognize how much of it is a bit unreal (read that also as existing in the webosphere) in that we don't really know, or have experienced, any of each other's bad sides. And our 'good' sides just seem like such a nice match, as my friend puts it, "What's not to like?"

My loving wife on the other hand, when I told her a little about my new friend, got instantly uncomfortable. Actually what I told her was that I wanted to invite this person to lunch as a thank-you for a great poem on death she gave me, the poem that I ended up reading at my Dad's funeral. I can't tell anyone why this makes K uncomfortable, especially since I told her that my friend was married. It kind of sucks that I have this fabulous new friend that I can't totally share with the most important person, besides the kids, in my life. Not only does it suck, but I find it downright frustrating. Am I being unfair here? I mean I've never given Karen any reason to not trust me so I really don't understand her discomfort and immediate disapproval. Since I have a readership that seems weighted toward the opposite sex, I'd love some sort of insight here, as in am I being totally off-base here?

That being said, no matter what, I'm sticking with this friendship for as long as it's supposed to last. It's that special and as I've told my new friend. special doesn't come along very often. Shalom.

Missing Dad

(Playing on ITunes Why from the album Diva by Annie Lennox)

So, today would have been a day that I would have called my Dad to share my disgust with the Yankees losing two games to the hated Red Sox early in the season. And to share my excitement with Isabella's first t-ball game where she went 2-2 with an RBI and two runs scored (well, in t-ball they don't keep score, but hey who's counting.) Even better she snagged a hard grounder at 3rd base like a real pro. My little infielder, I couldn't be more proud of her.

Since Dad isn't here physically, I'll share it with you guys. It was a moment that this Dad will treasure forever. A small play, she charged the ball like she's been taught (remember she's only five and a half) and snagged it. She also knocked down a grounder while playing shortstop. Kept the ball in front of her and didn't let it go into the outfield. I always said Izzy was a great name for a shortstop. Good job kiddo.

This has certainly been a week of up and downs. I've gotten a lot of support from friends and family, and even Izzy and I have had a couple of Dad and daughter discussions about her beloved PopPop. It's funny, because I really don't want to sugarcoat any of what I tell her but I also have to be careful in how I teIll her things so that she won't get too scared or worry about them happening to herself or any of her other family members. I think the hardest thing I had to here her say all week was that she was sad because she couldn't hug her PopPop anymore. I of course told her that all she had to do was throw a hug toward the sky and that PopPop would be sure to get it. And honestly, I believe that he's out there, looking over her, and catching all the hugs and love that are sent his way.

A Special Thanks

To the one person who this week provided a ray of sunshine on an otherwise gray, rainy week. You've been able to make me laugh and smile when I thought I was otherwise unable. And since I'm not sure where you came from, or how our paths crossed, I can only say, stick around. Very special friends like you are extremley hard to find. Thanks from the bottom of my heart.

Trying to Find My Way

A friend of mine noted that I didn't post anything last night. Have I become that prolific? Granted I usually have something to say about almost everything but now, I find myself a little bit lost.

Oh, I guess I could rail a bit about a comment I accidentally came upon while searching for the book "Lovely Bones." She, being a rather religious person, had allowed her sixteen-year-old daughter to read the book and now, according to her, the book had caused her daughter to become "rebellious." Well, me in my all to sarcastic way, took the time to share my mind. Lady, I said, you might as well put your daughter in her room, lock the door and throw away the key. It's clear you don't want her to experience anything outside your own world and that, that is just very sad.

Okay, so it really was none of my business and well, who am I to judge how other people raise their kids. I mean if you want your kids to be narrow-minded, hypocritical zealots, fine by me. I just am thankful that my parent's brought me up to be a somewhat open-minded liberal with a tendency to swing more toward the middle when the issues involved economic decisions and such. Okay, this is pure crap and I'm basically doing a directionless mind dump for myself. More from me later.

Exactly a Week Ago

I'm sure with time these anniversaries will become less glaring in my mind. Like waking up hearing my Dad's final breaths, time changes all things. But certainly tonight, my mind is a swirl with many thoughts about my Dad, his life and the impact his death will have not just on me, but my sisters and our step-family.

I can't really go into full details but just let me say, the after-death issues are sometimes more complicated and damaging to relationships than the actual death itself. I saw this with my wife's family and hope things will go more smoothly in this case. Distance will make things slightly complicated but I think that we are all going to work together to make the most sense out of the final pieces of the puzzle.

I now wait for the moment to pass. It will only come once and then be gone, almost in the blink of an eye. It will mean little to anyone but me but I still await, as if the train is coming down the tracks and I want one more chance to grab a ride. But I know that the tracks came to an end a week ago. May the tears flow to cover the destructive path that life had followed. Leave behind the dryed salt like ancient sea beds and lead one beyond the trappings of a previous time. Let loose the bonds of life so that angels above can call your name and lead you to a righteous place. Be at peace. For your time has come. Whatever you believe is how you live and who you are. Be sure of your right and wrong. Be sure to be at peace. Go quietly but always know you will be remembered.

Leaning Toward a New Status Quo

I almost used the word 'normal' but then realized I was talking about myself, and nothing in my life is ever normal. It's been raining non-stop since Monday, Noah get that ark ready, and it's not helping my mood much. All I really want to do is sleep but I am making myself go out today and get some things done before I get back into the work thing tomorrow. I thought it would be smart to start towards the end of the week rather than take on a full week.

I'm not much in the mood to write and this particular entry is more to wake up my brain, than anything else. And a cup of hot, delicious coffee would help. But since this in the first person, you may not find it all that interesting, according to my interpretation of what my friend Kelly has been learning about writing. And if you don't visit her for writing lessons, definitely check out the Easter pie on her page. It sounds delicious.

Okay, well I'm feeling like I can't sit here much longer, on the all too soft, make you drowsy, leather sofa. So, it's off to the dry cleaner and other errands and then...well, I tell you about 'then' later. It should be great fun and I'm looking forward to it. How's that for tempting you to the obscure?

And the end shall lead to new beginnings

The funeral was on Sunday. Thank G-d it didn't rain. We all flew home yesterday and today is a new day.

Shocking Sports News

Okay, this is short and the season is young but the Detroit Tigers are 4-0. That's right, the previously hapless Tigers have yet to lose a game. That's gotta be good news for baseball. But still, in my heart, it's go Yankees.

The Just G-d

In times like these, I often find myself questioning the existence of a higher being that is actually just. In a discussion with my step-sister last night we came to the conclusion that in this G-d, if that entity exists, came up empty in the just and fair clause of life. Yes, we can say that possible our time on earth is pre-determined but it is certainly not a rationale process. And if you ask my other step-sister, we are all pawns in someone else's somewhat demented game.

An interesting note to all of this is how Judiasm handles these kinds of situations, which is incredibly appropriate. In Jewish law you must have a minyan (10 men or 10 women who have been bar/bat mitvahed) to hold a service. When I asked the Rabbi about coming to services he said that would be fine but he would not be able to count me for the minyon because I did not have an obligation to be at services. The teachings acknowledge that a person may not be all that happy about praying to G-d in a time like this and therefore, one's obligation is not in synagogue but to be with loved ones in this time of tragic loss.

This is not a discussion really whether a higher power exists because that it totally up to the individual and based solely on their faith. I will not, and cannot, argue what any of you believe is right or wrong. In my mind, it just is. Is who you are and how you live your life. The only thing that is clear, and consistent, is that throughout all history, even in the time before Q2QQJudaism and Christianity, human beings have always seeked out a 'higher being' to explain the unexplainable. A good resource for this is Joseph Campbell's book and The Power of Myth. I personally found this book very interesting, not only from a historical point of view, but for the mere number of coincidences through the ages in the way the concept of a higher being is structured. I'm sure there are those of you will feel I am on the edge of blasphemy but I would disagree. I have always seeked a greater understanding of a process that I relate closer to brainwashing than truly educating, and once again I am reminded of the lack of rhyme or reason to any of this process we know as life and death.

I know in my heart that this will be one of the most difficult weekends of my life and I am so very glad that my wife and kids will be here this afternoon. I am grateful as well to all of you who have shared your thoughts and condolences. It's nice to know that there are people out there who don't know me but are more than willing to just be human and say sorry, and include my family in whatever way the express their beliefs. So, for that I thank you so very much.

The Fight Is Over.

Today was my father's 67th birthday. A young man to say the least.

At approximately 12:35 am, April 8, 2004, he stopped fighting the cancer that had invaded his body.

By his side when he died were myself and Mary Ann, my Dad's wife and my step-mom. It was as it was supposed to be. He died peacefully in his sleep. His breathing slowed down, very comfortably, until he took no more breaths. Mary Ann and I both looked at each other and smiled. Sad, that we had physically lost an important person in our lives, but happy that we had gotten our wish, that he need not fight this disease anymore. Every time he woke briefly from his sleep during the day before (about four times in all), everyone present let him know that we loved him but that it was okay to let go. And finally, he did.

I held on to him until the very last moments. As glad as I was that he no longer had to struggle, this is still very hard to accept.

(A special thanks to my Mom for her most recent post in the comments section)

The NY Olympic Bid Logo

Found a discussion about this logo at one of my favorite design sites. I decided to share it here since I'm on my little design thoughts kick today.

After looking several times, then really looking, and going so far as to study the elements, my impression is that (shared here, I know) that the type for one, does not integrate well with the graphic elements. The red '2' seems a bit too visually boisterous and seems to demand most of the eye's attention.

Credit them, just a bit, with the flame thing. But that is what is in Lady Liberty's hand anyway. And I'm just not totally comfortable with the juxtaposition of the rectangles, Are they trying to show progression from Liberty to the Olympics (ie, passing the torch) or are they just signalling a touchdown? (Sorry for the football refernce but looking at both arms up, it gave me that visual cue).

As designer, I've always enjoyed commenting on others work and looking toward it for inspiration, both good and bad. I think it's our nature to critique others work since it's such a part of what we do. And as it is quite subjective, the comments here are good for all of us to take in and analyze, so that we may grow to be better designers.

A Post About Bad Elevator Design

In a way to avoid talking about Dad for a moment, I'd just like to share my thoughts on the poor design of the elevator buttons in the hospital. First of all, the placement of the floor number/directions is inconsistent. Usually the number is on the left but sometimes it's on the right. What I found totally perplexing is that the emergency bell button is exactly the same as all the other buttons, it's not red or anything. And to the left of it, is a picture of a bell and the word 'PUSH' above it, and to the right, the symbol for closing the elevator doors. Would you really be amazed how many times in a day people push the 'emergency' button thinking it's the close door button?

Okay elevator button designers, here's a simple solution to this design flaw: First, use a red button for the emergency button. Put the bell symbol on the button rather then to the left of it. And delete the word 'push.' If someone doesn't know that they need to push buttons in an elevator, well then, let them be stuck until they figure it out.

Another option, is to do all the elements above and move the button below the other function buttons so that it stands out on its own. It's really that simple.

And this end's today's lesson on good and bad design.

For Once in My Life

Thanks for all the kinds words but you know, this isn't about me. Not in the least. It's about my Dad, the man who raised me to be the kind of father I am to my own kids. Mom did a good job too but Dad was the only person who could teach me what being a Dad was all about. And knowing myself how difficult a job that really is, I more admire how well my Dad did. I know in my heart, that is one part of my Dad that will never, ever go away.

Just Here

Spent the night in Dad's hospital room. Tried to cat-nap about ten minutes at a time. But kept waking up as if on sentry duty. Did manage to almost finish 100 Years of Solitude. Thanks again for all your kind words. This is not the way for anyone to go. He's not the man I saw just three weeks ago. I think that is the saddest part. The quality of life issue.

On My Way Home

One complaint before I end this brief entry from Detriot's airport. Continental Air's compassion policy really isn't that compassionate. And they still charge you the $100 for switching plans. Anyhow, as I was supposed to fly to see Dad on Friday, things are not going well, so I got the last seat, on the last flight out of B'more and am on my way. I may not post much more because, well, I'm not sure what I'd write. And I want to be there for my Dad and not my own need to share.

I know that many of you who have gotten to know me through this blog will be sending your thoughts, prayers and energy. And it is all greatly appreciated.

Now a note from Rob the designer, Detroit's airport is a beautiful airport and I love the internal tram that runs above the walkway. So very, very cool. So, even in difficult situations I can see the beauty of design at work.

Tears on Tobacco Road

Well, there's still one ACC team still around and it's not that team from the research triangle. Go Tech!!

A Busy Saturday

Figures that I would see a musical about death, but of course this was about mass murder with a twist of comedy. We went to see Steven Sondheim's Sweeney Todd, The Demon Barber of Fleet Street. We saw at our local theatre, Center Stage. Izzy went this us and did their children's play. It was a nice escape from the reality that I face. And of course, I've left many of my to-do's for tomorrow so that I may be too busy to think too much. Their identity was designed by C&G and some of the street signage is reminiscent of Paula Scher's work for the Public Theatre in NY.

Spoke to my Dad briefly this morning. The weird thing was he sounded much better than when I spoke to him earlier in the week, even though I could tell he was very tired. Will see him soon.

Okay, I'm tired and have nothing more to say. And I do have a very busy day ahead of me.

Preparing

The end is near. Honestly, it could be days or weeks, my guess is a few weeks. I've just booked a flight for next weekend to go home and see Dad, and it sounds like both of my sisters will be there at the same time. The speed of his cancer amazes me. I last saw him about a month ago and he was walking and fairly strong, looking well if not a little worn. I don't think I will see the same person when I go home next weekend. I'm preparing for that.

He's in the hospital right now in Charleston and the trip to NYC is out. With his deterioration over the past few weeks he no longer has the strength to walk, he's in increased pain (they have put him on synthetic morphine), and Monday they plan on doing an MRI and beginning some radiation therapy to help alleviate some of the cancer that is causing the pain. Their major concern right now, and the MRI will show, whether or not the cancer has moved into the nerves. I'm preparing for that.

Mary Ann has contacted hospice and they will start working with her and Dad on Monday. I don't know much about them but they essentially are there to provide comfort to terminally ill patients as they slowly lose their battle with disease. I'm preparing for that.

The hardest thing for me today was wondering how to handle this with the kids. Especially Isabella. She's only 5 and a half and after much thought, I decided it was not the best idea in the world to take her to WV with me to say goodbye. I don't want her last memory of her grandfather to be him, laying in a bed, looking sick. She has a lot of good memories, and she last saw him in NYC when Dad and Mary Ann took her to see the Rockette's Holiday Show. She knows he's sick and somehow I will have to let her know he is dying or that he has died. I'm preparing for that.

So, it seems we are lining up our ducks in a row and waiting for the inevitable. That being said, nearly everytime death is in the air, I'm reminded of the poem by W. H. Auden that I find to quite powerful. This is the first section.

I

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crêpe bows round the white necks of the public
    doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

For this, I am preparing.

Hanging Out with MM on Ice

It's what we call in good Southern parlance (I love that word) sippin' whiskey. Now it's not quite the moonshine we occassionally got back in the hills, nor is it the stomach turning grain that we loved to dip into lemonade for an all together good time. Nope, I'm all sophisticated with my sippin' whiskey's these days and I'm drinking some of my b-day MM . So, a special thanks to Shawn, Bill and Jenn who graced me with the gift of not just one bottle but two. Of course, as I'm under duress, I'm limiting myself to one small glass with a lot of ice. No need to get shit-faced on a work night and besides I've grown out that faze of my life, unless of course I'm in the city of New Orleans where it's mandatory to drink and celebrate to the max. I'll be there in a few weeks.

All the bullshit above was just a way to avoid writing this paragraph. Dad's not doing well. Nope, not well at all. He may not even make it to NY for the drug study. That's what I don't understand. You have to be terminal to qualify for the study but you can be too sick to qualify for the drugs that may just extend your life. I guess I'm angry at nobody in particular but I'd just like him to have the opportunity. And I know it's not personal but still, I'm really hoping that they let him in. According to my little sis', Elizabeth, he was really looking forward to that study. Kind of reminds me of when he was supposed to be in that original study about six months ago (interesting, that's how long they gave him without chemo). He saw the docs at MSK in late September and when he went back in the beginning of November, he had become to sick for that study too.

Is it premature to start listing the things that I'm going to miss? Or do I just thank G-d that I have a son and daughter of my own and I can share with them some of the things I was lucky enough to share with my Dad. Let me tell you, this Twilight Zone thing is hard. Dad is eight hours away and all I have is second hand info. The plan was for me to be in NYC for the appointment on Tueseday. Now, I don't know if I should fly home to be by his side or what. I guess I'll just continue to offer myself to Mary Ann as if I'm on call, which is essentially is how I left things with her. You need me, you call me, and I'm on the next fllght out or in a rental car for that long drive. Whatever will get me there, whereever they need me to be. That's all I've got to offer.