wordsimageslife
an exploration of life as a parent & designer

How Quickly What Matters, Changes

Earlier today, I wrote about an issue that seems so trivial in the face of the problems my father faces. News from the home front tonight isn't all that good, and while I haven't totally processed it yet, this is my therapy or at least, the outlet for my feelings.

So there I was complaining about something I have total control over earlier today. The only thing keeping me there is money, I'll be vested in June, and a great view of the Harbor. How silly is that? My Dad, on the other hand, is fighting for his life as his cancer has taken three weeks of no medication as a road toward the end. Again, we have no idea how long or how soon. But speaking to him tonight, I've never heard him sound so, tired of the fight? The word from the front lines is that he hasn't been eating, has been too weak to walk and has spent a lot of time sleeping. I've told Mary Ann, Dad's wife, that I'm available on a minute's notice. Either plane or car, and I will be there if they need anything. It's all I can do at this point. Part of me, the selfish part I think, would want Izzy to come with me so she could say good-bye. That may be premature but I don't want her to miss that opportunity.

So, here we are in the waning hours of March. A rainy, cold day on forecast for tomorrow. Couldn't ask for better weather could I? Funny, that we talk about the weather when we run out of words or just can't connect with what we really want to say. Honestly though, I have nothing more to say. The facts are the facts. And this is one time where I really have no control of the outcome. It's all in G-d's hands, or the doctor's or the meds, or my Dad's. I don't envy him. I feel for him. I wish I could swallow the pain, take it away. I want to give him the energy to get on the damn plane come Monday morning. I want to get him psyched for baseball season, now underway. I want. I want, I want. I feel like a whiny kid. (Sorry Lucy) What's the damn point? What will life be like without my Dad here? I have no clue. My wife knows. She lost both her parents, her Mom before we were married, her Dad the year after. Her words to me, "prepare yourself." But really, can one prepare themselves to lose a parent? Too many unknowns for me. Too many for all of us.

Save a Prayer from the album Rio by Duran Duran

Contemplating

It's unusual for me to be the first one up in the morning but here I am. It reminds me of my day's of being a paperboy, the sun rising, the slowly building energy, a combination of the expanding light of the sun and the awakening of the city. The street lights flickering to end their shift, the night workers crawling home in their cars and the day workers just starting out in their cars and on the sidewallks. Footsteps and horns, accompanied by the rolling sound of the buses' diesel engines. And as the sun rises in the sky, the pace will quicken, the sounds of the city will come full-on and the day has really begun.

But now, all I can hear is the dishwasher.

Yesterday morning was a nightmare. I got a call from 'the boss' about a piece we had just printed. I don't really know if it's how he says things that set's me off or if I'm just feeling totally defensive. Anyhow, he was complaining that a few of the pieces were not folded flush. I checked my samples and had one piece that was off by about 1/16" toward the bottom, something that most people really aren't going to take the time to notice. But I asked him to send me those pieces that he had an issue with so I can ask the printer. That seemed fine, though I really wanted to ask him if had any issues with S's piece where every invite was folded wrong and you could see the color from the inside pages around all three visible edges. (I know that I'm feeling singled out, more isolated than I ever felt working under Bill or even Tom). Then of course, he has to find to minor errors on one version of the piece (it was a late version, added at the last minute, not an excuse, but rushed items never help) So, the job that totally snake-bit me had one last bite saved for the end. I know I just need to move on but I'm struggling with the whole thing. I hate, hate making mistakes. I hate even more to have M find them, point them out and lay them at my feet as if the world is going to end. Now, again not making an excuse here, but most people probably won't notice the two mistakes, and one of them didn't even show-up on the proof that I saw. Really. It's out of my system now, or is it? (I really, really hate this tension...it makes work, even starting a project or thinking conceptually very difficult).

On the positive and exciting side of things, I was interviewed for a piece on in-house designer's that International Paper is doing. Matt Young, a Memphis-based design G-d, who I met through AIGA suggested they interview me. Thank you Matt. This piece is intended to go out to all in-house designers across the country and they might actually feature me. Now, that would be interesting. I did try to stay positive and say all the right things but also shared some of the negatives that I think can happen in any in-house situation. I also admit that my particular situation is both extremely unique and a difficult challenge, on both sides. We spoke for an hour and she seemed impressed with my knowledge and experience.

My quiet, contemplation has been interrupted, here's a quote and you can guess who. "Daddy, a ducky." Yes, you are right, it's the one and only LJ, who for the past two mornings has slept until almost 9, he's recovering from another ear infection, decided to get up early this morning. So, the pleasure is mine and the loss is yours because this is quality time I usually don't get as much as I'd like. So, later. There's nothing more fun than looking through the eyes of a two-year old at a new day. Have a good one.

Is this how Joe Torre Feels?

Okay, so it isn't the Majors, the Minors, Triple A, Double A or even Single A. It's not even Babe Ruth or Little League. It's t-ball and it's so much fun I can't tell you, or at least I'm going to try.

First of all, who would've thought the kid who couldn't hit, couldn't really catch and always ended up in right field in Little League would someday be teaching kids how to play baseball? Certainly not me, but here I am teaching a bunch of 5- and 6-year olds the basics of fielding, running the bases and hitting. And it is certainly work but it's also the most fun one can have in a management position. And I'm not even getting paid.

I think it's special because at this stage it's not really so much about being good, but more about learning the basics of a game I truly love. (Thanks Dad, my late Nonni B and my late Grandfather, Irving). A game that since I was that young, naive Little Leaguer I yearned to play up until getting cut from my high school team. But I always made sure I was playing some form of the game, softball, etc, if I wasn't playing the 'real' game. And I did actually learn how to hit and I'm a damn fine outfielder, but a few steps slower that I was 20 odd years ago. But never in my life did it occur to me to actually manage a team of kids. And let me tell you while it's great fun, it's not all that easy.

First you have to remember that their attention spans are short. So by the time you come back them to catch a grounder, most likely they are looking the other way. This is great for me because I quickly learn everyone's name and good for them because they are really learning to react fast (because as I say their name the ball is on it's way). Some of them are nervous about swinging the bat and approach the plate as if they were stiffened up like dried paper mache. So getting them to relax at the plate is a bit difficult and then there are the opposite kids, so raring to go that you need to be totally prepped for a swinging bat in the direction of your, enough said, you just need to move out of the way, fast.

Despite all those little challenges, it's just a rush to do it. It feels good and important. And you can tell which kids will move on from this stage and may, someday, end up really up there. And guess what, being their first manager all of sudden becomes a little more important. Because it's those early manager's that instill in you the attitude you need to succeed and do well, and if you don' t think you start learning those kinds of things at 5, I'm here to say it's true. So, for the manager, that is an important responsibility to help bring them along while staying committed to your other players who, like you, are there to have fun.

It's funny, I only yelled that the team once today. And that was then laughed at one of their teammates for swinging through the ball. I know from experience that kids can be really good at being mean to each other, and my first speech as manager was about teamwork, and supporting your teammates no matter what. I wanted to make sure everyone on my team knew that they were to help each other learn and get better at this game. I am just the facilitator. They are the team. And in just two weeks, we get to say, PLAY BALL!

An American Theocracy

Having grown-up in the Bible Belt nothing bothered me more as a kid then people who couldn't understand, or accept, that there were other religions other then those associated with Christianity. That seemed shocked that there might actually be people who didn't believe that Christ was the Messiah, or the son of G-d. The Religious Right has always scared me in their absolute belief in their teachings at the exclusion of others who don't believe as they do. (This applies to most right-winged groups, by the way). But something more disturbing has come to my attention, the Constitutional Restoration Act.

This act drafted by Herb Titus, the lawyer for former Judge Roy Smith, looks to limit the Supreme Court's jurisdiction. The bill limits the US Supreme Court and federal courts to hear cases involving the "expression of religious faith by elected or appointed officials." Supporters of the bill claim that its "intention is to prevent the courts from hearing cases involving the Ten Commandments or a Nativity Scene in a public setting from being reviewed." However, the law has broad implications and clearly acknowledges G-d as the "sovereign source of law" by officials in the capacity of executing their office. Quoted in a write-up I read, John Giles, Alabama's President of the Christian Coaltion, summarizes the position of the right distinctly. "The greatest unbridled abuse by the Federal judiciary for over forty years has been in the area of redefining the acknowledgement of G-d as the sovereign source of law...We define this as judicial activism, making law from the bench. These unconstitutional rulings have gone unchecked by other branches of government."

The proposed law reads:

"Notwithstanding any other provision of this chapter, the Supreme Court shall not have jurisdiction to review, by appeal, writ of certiorari, or otherwise, any matter to the extent that relief is sought against an element of Federal, State, or local government, or against an officer of Federal, State, or local government (whether or not acting in official personal capacity), by reason of that element’s or officer’s acknowledgment of God as the sovereign source of law, liberty, or government.”"

The implications of this law, to be added to Sec. 1260 of Title 28, Chapter 81 of the U.S. Code, might allow any judge to institute biblical punishments, like stoning, without being subject to review by the Supreme Court or any part of the Federal Court System.

Additionally the bill proposes the punishment of sitting judges by requiring impeachment and removal, for relying on other state's decisions or jurisdiction, such as a another state's constitution law, administrative rule or judicial decision. This "Interpretation of the Constitution" ( Section 201) reads:

"In interpreting and applying the Constitution of the United States, a court of the United States may not rely upon any constitution, law, administrative rule, Executive order, directive, policy, judicial decision, or any other action of an foreign state or international organization or agency, other than the constitutional law and English common law."

I have learned that the word "foreign" is a term in the art of law which can refer to jurisdictions within the US, and not just entities outside our borders. This is very troubling. The whole thing is actually damn scary and that's why I'm blogging about it.

I don't care if you are Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Agnostic, Atheist, if you believe in freedom then you better take this issue seriously and don't allow this Dominionist reformation of our judiciary, which would basically render our American democracy into a Christian religious-right driven Theocracy, to become law. Call your senators and congressmen/women and urge them to vote this bill down. More importantly spread the word to everyone and anyone you know who cares about our personal freedoms.

(Much of my material was paraphrased from the Yurica Report. Feel free to visit this site for more information on the activities of the Dominionists and what they are attempting to do via their position's in the US Congress. Additional writings on this subject, can be found here and here.

Currently the bill has been referred to the House Committee on the Judiciary.

Oh Wake....

Another ACC team goes down, this time it's Wake Forest at the hands of Number 1 St. Joe's. I really was conflicted about this game, since I look at St. Joe's as the underdog and it would be so nice to see a team that isn't from the ACC, Big East, etc...win the whole thing. So make them my sentimental favorite.

I've only got to switch a load of laundry and then it's on too bed. Hooray. I can barely keep my eyes open at this point.

My Managerial Debut
Friday is my first day of managing Isabella's t-ball team. Other than my absolute love for the sport of baseball, I've got no solid credentials other than being a volunteer. I mean I know how to teach the basics and have gotten plenty of info off the web, but I just hope I'm not too hard on my team. My competitive nature can make me a little difficult to deal with, yes me, every now and then. Our first game will be April 17, so we have a few weeks of Spring Training to learn the rules of the game, how to catch, field, throw and bat. It's going to be a ton of fun. Hey, FunkaGirl aka Lucy, you should be a coach. Interested? (You know who you are.) Let me know.

Sleepy yes, but it's the NCAA's

Granted that I'm working on about 2.5 hours of sleep but there's still work to be done on K's presentation, I've got some work work to do and there's college basketball on TV. You can understand my dliemma, especially with St>Joe vs. Wake Forest as tonight's late game. Go ACC (except that one team)

The Problem With Working Into the Wee Hours

I tend to get more 'creative' as the night rolls on, and last night was no exception. Now, I'm going to say this, I want feedback on this. Good or bad, just make it constructive. I'm not a by-the-book, follow the damn rules kind of poet. I'm just a write what pops in my head and hope it sounds okay. So, to the literate jury out there in the blogoshere, I await your ruling.

Divided (a working title)

Step across the line
That divdes all time
From that which is real
And that which is not

Imagine your heart aflutter
Like the wings of a butterfly
Each beat a thing of beauty
With a shortened life span

In your dreams you turn to the blind
For directions to an invisible world
Where minds connect, searching
For something they seem to be missing

I will not leave you here alone
Reach out your hand to mine
Let us connect for all time
Hand in hand across the divide

Okay, that's it. If I had to be an English teacher, I guess I'd give it a C. Not great, not bad. Just there. Have a fine day.

Clock Watching, Tick, Tock, Tick, Tock

It's 1 am and I'm scanning menus for my wife's presentation tomorrow. After this, I'll be putting all that I've scanned together in a little booklet. So, as time flies, I should be home around 3. This is true love. But I know I'm far more capable of handling the lack of sleep then K. Of course, I'm just here blowing my own horn because I can't think of anything better to write about.

Listening to Interpol, which is just one way of staying awake, plus the 20 oz. Coke I just drank. I'm certainly a little rough around the edges though, as sleep begs me to give in. But now, as the great Blues Brothers once said, "... on a mission from G-d" or at least love, for there is no greater power.

Almost Heaven, Well, It's Relative

Funny that my former home state is 'up in arms' about a little t-shirt from A&F.

A Horrible Tragedy for Those Left Behind

I have to admit that I'm conflicted about this topic. My guess is that my Mother, a semi-retired mental health professional, would say that my anger is misplaced or at least I should show more sympathy for the person that has passed. Feel sorry that they weren't able to get help for the mental issues that drove them to an act of ending their life. But I can't totally do that. Because, despite my own familiarity with these issues, I can't help but also see this as a final, selfish expression geared at getting attention.

How else would you explain hanging yourself from a popular smoking tree, in front of student dorms, on the first day of the new semester, right around the time people are getting up and getting ready for their first day of classes? I have compassion, so I'm sorry that this person felt the need to do this but did h/she realize how much pain they've left behind or was that her/his plan all together? Those who get to read the note left behind might get more insight but still, a campus of caring people is left to pick up the pieces, feel horrible for not being able to do more to help this person—not that they really had a chance—and basically having to live with the memory of a young life lost.

Senseless. Much like the suicide of my best friend's father in college. Like the out-of-the-blue, as in no signs of depression, suicide of a co-worker's fiance a few years ago. Each of these acts had an impact on my life, but even more so they had lasting impact on the lives of those people closest to the victim. And that is the true cost of suicide and why I consider it to be a selfish act. The children left behind without a parent, the wife wiithout a husband and each of them, in their own way, saying 'What could we have done to save them?' And the answer, most likely, is nothing. That's the hard part and what most people will refuse to hear. Because, as humans, don't we believe in our power of compassion and understanding, our ability to be there for our friends in good times and bad. We believe in our ability to save those in trouble from themselves. Some of the time.

One is supposed to have respect for the dead. But how can I respect someone who's caused not only pain and sadness to people I don't know but too a good friend as well? This friend hardly knew you, but she is feeling the pain of your actions and for that, I'm pissed. How damn unfair is that? You didn't think about that before you grabbed the rope, did you? That there miight be honest to goodness, good-hearted people around that your actions would have an effect on. Well, guess what , you've made their lives a little sadder, a little harder and a bit more cynical. Nice job. You made your choice and with that choice, you took options away from the people around you. And what are they left with? G-d is stopping me from telling you off, sending you to wherever the next stop is from this place with a string of expletives as a rope back to reality. Well, it's like this. the reailty. Your dead. Sorry. Your choice. I'm alive. My friend is alive though sad and a little bit broken. (Actually, anyone who knew you or knew of you is a little bit broken.) But she, and they, will mend. It's damn sad that you couldn't give yourself the same chance.

A Nice Effort, Too Many Missed Foul Shots and One Basket Short

Well, the Terps were the first ACC team to lose in the Tourney tonight. Considering that at one point it looked like a Syracuse blow-out (the Orangemen were up by 16 with about 13 minutes left in the second half), to have the Terps only lose by 2, and have a shot at the tie, eases the disappointment of the loss. They came back strong and, if they were better foul shooters-a season long problem-they might have been able to pull-out the victory. I think they missed around 11 foul shots for the entire game. I look forward to next year's team. And now, go ACC!!!

It's Over When The Fat Lady Sings

What a blast!! Really had a great time doing 20/20 and one minute flew by...actually, I think our act was less than a minute but it was fun!! All the work and stress payed off. Thanks to my 'WonderWoman' Jennifer, who played the role of heroine oh so well. Couldn't have done it without you!! Hat's off to my friend Katherine for her hard work organizing the event and making sure everything that could be controlled was. Really, she did such a fabulous job. Applause. Applause. Applause. Standing O.

It's not her fault the power wouldn't work for almost an hour, the tech people played the wrong movie or couldn't get someone's PPT presentation to work. (It's that Microsoft thing again) But of course, John, the emcee did such an incredibly fabulous job filling in the dead spots with witty commentary, nice singing and a great personality. So, if you are in need of a great photographer, stop by his site and take a look. He also sings with a jazz band, so you can try him for that as well.

Well, the day is about to change to morning and I'm tired. So, good night.

Blogging at 20/20

Hey, we are here, live and almost ready to go. There was a problem with the power in the auditorium so we are starting a little late but all are ready to break a leg. I promise an update of all the antics later tonight.

TERPS WIN!!!!

Okay, so it was a close game but the Terps won it and that's what counts in this tournament. So, it's on to the Round of 32. Way to go Terps. Of course you car read all about it right here.

Something

A friend from the blogosphere is bored and asked me to post something. So, here it is. 20/20 is tonight at the Brown Center at the Maryland Insitute College of Art. If you are really interested in knowing what I look like, feel free to come and enjoy this annual fundraiser for AIGA. My friend Jennifer and I are the last act of the night. And we are going to bring the house down.

Photography of Diane Arbus

Really, you should check this out. Thanks to Kate who got to see her exhibit out in warm, sunny LA.

A Note to McDonald's (King of the in-office lunch)

dear mcdonalds,

okay guys, not to complain, but a caesar salad sandwich does not use iceberg lettuce, it's romaine that make it a caesar. Got it? And the flat bread idea, well, ya know, it's kind of messy. Falls apart to easily and as usual with the fast-food genre, too much lettuce not enough chicken.

thanks for listening.

Is it our Mother's Fault?

See, once you know special characteristics of a reader, you can write for them.

borderline


Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
brought to you by Quizilla

And you out there, what's your personality?

Fun Morning, Sad Day...

I don't often whine on my blog but this is one of those days where I just need to share. It's cold, rainy and all of a sudden, after a truly wonderful morning with Liam, I'm feeling sad. I don't know if it's just all the stress I've been under lately, or a note I just sent a friend about a particular situation I'm dealing with, but there is certainly something there (here?) that I can't put my finger on.

Sorry to be so obscure but that's the way it has to be. Besides, as much as I enjoy knowing that there are a few hardy souls that actually care to read this litle bit of the blogosphere, the bottom line, no apologies, is that it's mine to mold the way I want. And in the biggest sense, it is like my life right now, all over the place. Still trying to find a voice. Someone mentioned to me that I might be too busy but really I disagree. Sure, this has been a busier then normal month (I have two meetings after work and a big fundraising event for AIGA, another event I'd like to attend next week and soon, managing Isabella's Tee-ball team, practice twice a week). But certainly, there are people out there with kids, with much busier lives. And I really need the activity. I'm not good sitting still, it drives me nuts, and I really enjoy being involved and meeting people and feeling like I 'belong.' Who doesn't? And I would love to spend more time at home but it just doesn't work out that way. And most of my activities, or even all of them, are either driven by business/networking needs or being more active in the kid's activities away from home. Sure, I occasionally feel overwhelmed but I take that as being fairly normal considering we have two kids and tons to do. Sure, I'd like to be able to do more at home (and I working on trying harder on that end) but I do believe that the things I've committed myself to are important. Last night I even made a list of the chores I wanted to finish last night. Granted I didn't eat dinner until 10 pm, and that was a mistake as it made me too tired to get more done, and then I just crashed at 12:30. But still, the list is there, some stuff got done, and for me, that's gotta count as progress.

(Last night was particularly crazy by the way, Izzy had Daisy's at 6:30 and I had a tee-ball meeting at 7:00. so we didn't get home until after 8 pm)

There's also a lot of pressure for me at work. Things with Martin, on the friends level we are fine, in our supervisor/employee relationship are still rocky. I actually told him to his face on Friday that I felt he was being micromanging, that I felt that my previous responsibilities had been taken away without reason and that essentially the job I loved had become something I wasn't really happy with. Which to me is a poor but logical explanation for my recent spats with bad proofing. (I still don't feel that design should be the sole scapegoat for content errors, whether it's about exectution or not....I don't have a problem taking some of the flack but I refused to accept full responsibility. ) Let's face it, the career path I once saw at DeAM has disappeared, I've got no one on my side (you need an internal mentor to help you grow) and while I can know I can hang on until my five-year anniversary and get vested, it's time to rethink my strategy. This holding down the fort alone in B'more is becoming more of a burden then a pleasure. And it's obviously weighing on my psyche more than even I probably can or will admit to.

Why is it sometimes hard to enjoy what you have and not want more?

(note to Mom, if you read this, don't worry i'm okay)

ITunes currently playingCigarettes and Chocolate Milk from the album Poses by Rufus Wainwright

I'm Still Thrilled

It's been over 24 hours since the Terps big, no let rephrase that, remarkable and stupendous win against Duke yesterday to take the ACC Tournament. Unless you went to Maryland, it's hard to explain how big a deal this is. First, this was not the team any of us expected to take the Tournament. They are the youngest team in the league starting only one senior. The team no one really expected to get past the first round. And what did they do, they just beat three ranked teams (#14. #19 and #4) in three days. Even more so, they beat Duke (still a number one seed in the NCAA's) after the Blue Devils had a 12 point lead with about three minutes to go in the game. Duke's collapse is oddly reminiscent of the Terps collapse at home a few years ago when they blew a 10 point lead with about a minute to go in the game. (Notice one remembers the great wins as well as the painful losses)

How Many Ways to Write Wow, What a Game!!

One of my favorite things to do in my old journalism days was the art of the headline, so here are a few samplings from my mind to tomorrow's sports pages:

Terps Dunk Duke for ACC Championship

After 20 Years, It's the Terps on Top of the ACC Tourney

Terps Take the Tournament from the Blue Devils

"Fear the Turtle" Terps Take an Unexpected Path into NCAA's<.strong>