The most uncomfortable moment for me this weekend happened when Izzy spoke the words "Spririt of Christmas" to my noticably Conservative (Judiaism) Aunt and Uncle. My quick comeback of spirit of the holiday season hardly masked my uncomfortability or my embarrasment. And the guilt, well I feel that every day in some small way.
So, you ask, if I feel guilty about my kids being more Catholic than Jewish, why did I choose to marry someone Catholic, send my oldest to Catholic school and bascially not do anything overly Jewish other than celebrating the major holidays? Well, first and foremost, I fell in love and loving my wife was and is more important than what I consider has become just another race of the Joneses, major religions.
It's not that I didn't date any girls that were Jewish. There were plenty of Jewish girls that were marriage potential. There was Julie Jane of Paramus, New Jersey. We were a fabulous couple until her parents found out that my family lived in West Virginia. For some reason that became the reason for breaking up out of the blue. Then there was Joanna from Pikesville, who broke my heart when she decided to walk across campus, and my path, hand in hand with her ex. And then there were a few hearts I broke. The girl from Saginaw, who laughed out of nervousness everytime we tried to have sex and was basically inept in bed and annoying in personality, so I ended that one. Finally, there was Jennifer, who was half a Jew, and I caught her in our bed with her ex, and well that was that. She's teaching English in China these days, the divorced mother of a Chinese rock star's child. Funny world. But my previous love life is getting off the point. The guilt. I tried. I searched out Jewish girls. They never worked out. I never worked out. So, I married Karen. It was and is love.
But still, depsite my rationalization about 'one G-d, different interpretations,' I know that I have damaged my religion and caused my family some level of disappointment. (Probably not the kind they could ever admit too, but the type that's said by words like "She's a great girl, but it would be even better if she was Jewish").
I think it's funny that I do feel guilt, even though I think most synagogues are just overpriced fashion shows and social clubs (especially at the High Holidays) that I can't really compete with nor do I think I want to. Of course, I miss the shared sense of community but that's replaced somewhat by our neighborhood friendships. But even I will admit, that I feel something is missing. There are times when I do wish my kids were more 'Jewish' (not to be read necessarily as less 'Catholic') but I also feel a bit hypocritcal considering my own lack of interest in the congregational apects of my own religion. Most of my service experiences have been at the area University's where the cost is nothing and the fashion is indifferent.
I could write on this forever for there really is not solution. I just have to accept the guilt of my decisions, encourage my children to explore all there options religiously and make sure that their particular experinence is one filled with love and respect for family. For moral living. For the things in the world that will make them successful people.
The most uncomfortable moment for me this weekend happened when Izzy spoke the words "Spririt of Christmas" to my noticably Conservative (Judiaism) Aunt and Uncle. My quick comeback of spirit of the holiday season hardly masked my uncomfortability or my embarrasment. And the guilt, well I feel that every day in some small way.
So, you ask, if I feel guilty about my kids being more Catholic than Jewish, why did I choose to marry someone Catholic, send my oldest to Catholic school and bascially not do anything overly Jewish other than celebrating the major holidays? Well, first and foremost, I fell in love and loving my wife was and is more important than what I consider has become just another race of the Joneses, major religions.
It's not that I didn't date any girls that were Jewish. There were plenty of Jewish girls that were marriage potential. There was Julie Jane of Paramus, New Jersey. We were a fabulous couple until her parents found out that my family lived in West Virginia. For some reason that became the reason for breaking up out of the blue. Then there was Joanna from Pikesville, who broke my heart when she decided to walk across campus, and my path, hand in hand with her ex. And then there were a few hearts I broke. The girl from Saginaw, who laughed out of nervousness everytime we tried to have sex and was basically inept in bed and annoying in personality, so I ended that one. Finally, there was Jennifer, who was half a Jew, and I caught her in our bed with her ex, and well that was that. She's teaching English in China these days, the divorced mother of a Chinese rock star's child. Funny world. But my previous love life is getting off the point. The guilt. I tried. I searched out Jewish girls. They never worked out. I never worked out. So, I married Karen. It was and is love.
But still, depsite my rationalization about 'one G-d, different interpretations,' I know that I have damaged my religion and caused my family some level of disappointment. (Probably not the kind they could ever admit too, but the type that's said by words like "She's a great girl, but it would be even better if she was Jewish").
I think it's funny that I do feel guilt, even though I think most synagogues are just overpriced fashion shows and social clubs (especially at the High Holidays) that I can't really compete with nor do I think I want to. Of course, I miss the shared sense of community but that's replaced somewhat by our neighborhood friendships. But even I will admit, that I feel something is missing. There are times when I do wish my kids were more 'Jewish' (not to be read necessarily as less 'Catholic') but I also feel a bit hypocritcal considering my own lack of interest in the congregational apects of my own religion. Most of my service experiences have been at the area University's where the cost is nothing and the fashion is indifferent.
I could write on this forever for there really is not solution. I just have to accept the guilt of my decisions, encourage my children to explore all there options religiously and make sure that their particular experinence is one filled with love and respect for family. For moral living. For the things in the world that will make them successful people.
the deal right now is that i am having difficulty separating what's real from what i think is real. i really have no idea if my fears are legitimate or as they say, just in my head. i know this much, i need to just have a firm plan in place, a goal to strive for and then i can get through anything. i think the best idea is to take all this negative energy and feelings and apply them toward my six month's goal. a new position, in a city that we'd like, doing a combination of branding and design, or as a head or assitant head of marketing/branding.
i should really talk to joe. he knows everyone there is and has to be a great resource to at least get me some names to talk to in the general area. would a move be that bad? i know people in NY, i know people that like me in chicago and i just feel so negative when i'm in the office, as if i don't belong there. if i didn't have so many contacts there, i would gladly give up my twice a month trips. but in reality, i was honest in saying that i need them. one, to keep in touch with my clients, two to have face time with the team and most importantly to not feel totally abandoned.
still dark, as are my days. unsure of what direction my life is taking these days, fighting the demons that surround my soul. this what writing when i should be sleeping brings. it will be better and there will be brighter days.
will see dad this weekend. haven't seen him in two weeks since his first chemo treatment. not sure what to expect, but probably not too much different. he sounded pretty good on the phone today and said they had been out shopping, so at least he's not sounding as run down as he has in the past.
in the midst of a creative challenge, speed and skill needed to create workable designs by 3 pm on Thursday. not sure how much time i'll have in ny to work on things so that only leaves later today.
more on the rest of the world later. time to go.
still dark, as are my days. unsure of what direction my life is taking these days, fighting the demons that surround my soul. this what writing when i should be sleeping brings. it will be better and there will be brighter days.
will see dad this weekend. haven't seen him in two weeks since his first chemo treatment. not sure what to expect, but probably not too much different. he sounded pretty good on the phone today and said they had been out shopping, so at least he's not sounding as run down as he has in the past.
in the midst of a creative challenge, speed and skill needed to create workable designs by 3 pm on Thursday. not sure how much time i'll have in ny to work on things so that only leaves later today.
more on the rest of the world later. time to go.