wordsimageslife
an exploration of life as a parent & designer

Please Give Me a Clue

I really don't think of myself as an insensitive person, maybe a bit slow in catching on in certain situations, but for the most part, I'm pretty caring and concerend about those that I love and are around me. But somehow, I seem to continually make missteps with the one closest to me, my wife.

Take tonight for instance. She's in Philadelphia this weekend, since Thursday night, for a PT class and I've had the kids on my own. The hardest part of this was that Friday was her birthday and I know that she misses the kids a ton and worries incessantly. Tonight, I decided to have some friends and their kids over for pizza dinner and a movie. I hadn't told Karen because I just didn't get a chance too. And little did I expect the reaction I got. K's initial reaction on the phone was shock in that she thought I'd be 'too overwhelmed' to have done anything social. Of course, then I had to answer the unnecessary (in my mind) questions about was the house clean, did I have dessert, did everyone have something to drink, etc.

This whole 'attitude' makes me defensive which makes listening more difficult. We agreed to speak later too decide whether or not to let Izzy sell cookies with her Brownie troop on Sunday while I took Liam to his school event. (K was against the idea, thinking of all the bad things that could happen and I was more comfortable with her troop leader's ability to handle any issues with Izzy's leg situation, her wheelchair and any trips to the bathroom.)

Our follow-up call was a bit of a bummer. Karen's upset because she feels lonely and misses the kids and somehow my little party was the cause, or strong reinforcement, of her feeling this way. I apologized for her feeling badly and her reaction was that I wasn't listening and it wasn't about me. She said that I wasn't feeling what she was feeling and that I just needed to listen. Anything I did say was just the wrong thing and she threw out the 'I thought I married a sensitive person' guilt trip line. This whole thing has left me just plain confused and feeling totally clueless.

I have to admit the last year has been one of the more difficult ones in our many years together. We are trying to work things out but I'm not sure that it's working all that well. And that really scares me more than anything. And I don't know if tonight's conversation is indicative of the situation—she added how she was uncomfortable about people being in the house when she wasn't here, brought up her privacy issue and some other stuff, but the bottom line was there. She said she felt like I wasn't connecting with her (I'm feeling like a horrible person and I don't even know what I've done 'wrong') because I couldn't feel what she was feeling. Honestly, I do know what it feels like to be lonely, having worked alone in my office for the past two years, but I'm not really sure what she needed or wanted me to say or do, besides saying I felt badly that she was feeling badly, that I love her and that she'll be home tomorrow and we'll all be happy to see her. (I'll be happy but quite anxious, I'm sure.)

The thing that bothered me the most was her comment that she thought I'd be too overwhelmed to do any such thing. But really, I've been doing pretty well. There have been moments of frustration—expected when dealing with a two-year old boy and a six-year old with a full leg cast—but despite the pressure, I've managed to clean the house, do the laundry and keep things relatively calm. And it was much more fun having people over for dinner than just having dinner by ourselves (which we did last night). It's not something we do much when we are all here and something I'm always talking about wanting to do, and so, I worked it out and made it happen, especially since Izzy hasn't seen much of her friends lately. Is that so bad?

Is it the fact that I did have fun when I went to my conference back in June? We worked very hard during the day and played hard at night. I missed the kids and Karen but I also took advantage of being away to have a little fun that I know is much harder to do when you are at home, and in the process I got to know the people I was at the conference with a bit better. Granted our conferences were a bit different, mine was a national meeting of the leadership of a professional organization and K's is pretty much a class for PTs to learn new skills. (Of course, I was told that having fun in St. Louis had been wrong, as well). I just don't know anymore. And I certainly don't want to see the kids get hurt because of any of this stuff. That would be the worst. This really bites and I don't really know what to do.

So, anybody got a clue?

Posted by robdesign at November 20, 2004 11:51 PM