The most uncomfortable moment for me this weekend happened when Izzy spoke the words "Spririt of Christmas" to my noticably Conservative (Judiaism) Aunt and Uncle. My quick comeback of spirit of the holiday season hardly masked my uncomfortability or my embarrasment. And the guilt, well I feel that every day in some small way.
So, you ask, if I feel guilty about my kids being more Catholic than Jewish, why did I choose to marry someone Catholic, send my oldest to Catholic school and bascially not do anything overly Jewish other than celebrating the major holidays? Well, first and foremost, I fell in love and loving my wife was and is more important than what I consider has become just another race of the Joneses, major religions.
It's not that I didn't date any girls that were Jewish. There were plenty of Jewish girls that were marriage potential. There was Julie Jane of Paramus, New Jersey. We were a fabulous couple until her parents found out that my family lived in West Virginia. For some reason that became the reason for breaking up out of the blue. Then there was Joanna from Pikesville, who broke my heart when she decided to walk across campus, and my path, hand in hand with her ex. And then there were a few hearts I broke. The girl from Saginaw, who laughed out of nervousness everytime we tried to have sex and was basically inept in bed and annoying in personality, so I ended that one. Finally, there was Jennifer, who was half a Jew, and I caught her in our bed with her ex, and well that was that. She's teaching English in China these days, the divorced mother of a Chinese rock star's child. Funny world. But my previous love life is getting off the point. The guilt. I tried. I searched out Jewish girls. They never worked out. I never worked out. So, I married Karen. It was and is love.
But still, depsite my rationalization about 'one G-d, different interpretations,' I know that I have damaged my religion and caused my family some level of disappointment. (Probably not the kind they could ever admit too, but the type that's said by words like "She's a great girl, but it would be even better if she was Jewish").
I think it's funny that I do feel guilt, even though I think most synagogues are just overpriced fashion shows and social clubs (especially at the High Holidays) that I can't really compete with nor do I think I want to. Of course, I miss the shared sense of community but that's replaced somewhat by our neighborhood friendships. But even I will admit, that I feel something is missing. There are times when I do wish my kids were more 'Jewish' (not to be read necessarily as less 'Catholic') but I also feel a bit hypocritcal considering my own lack of interest in the congregational apects of my own religion. Most of my service experiences have been at the area University's where the cost is nothing and the fashion is indifferent.
I could write on this forever for there really is not solution. I just have to accept the guilt of my decisions, encourage my children to explore all there options religiously and make sure that their particular experinence is one filled with love and respect for family. For moral living. For the things in the world that will make them successful people.