Really, in all honesty, we will probably laugh about this in fifty years. But for those husbands out there who really need to know, I think I can actually cover the five things you shouldn't do on Mother's Day pretty quickly and then move on with life. Hold on, here we go.
1. Never buy a Mother's Day card on Mother's Day at 10:45 am
This may seem obvious, especially to me and the other guy in the store doing the same thing at the same time, he who said "you should be ashamed of yourself buying a MD card on MD." I, of course, replied, "I really am ashamed." And the reality is the selection totally sucks. So do be smart, buy early. There are many more cards to choose from at that time.
2. Don't wait until the day before to start throwing out ideas for how the family should celebrate.
Now for some guys, this is a no brainer. For those of us organizationally impaired, either situationally or by a lifetime affliction, take heed. Think ahead. Sure, your wife may be just plain hard to please or in some cases, never happy with the choices you make, but go ahead, take the risk. You'll always get credit for the attempt, even if whatever you dream up totally sucks. It's much better than throwing out an idea mentioned by a neighbor on the day before. (Another Mom wouldn't you know).
3. Make sure all the chores your wife may usually take care of—or are usually done on Mother's Day—are finished and out of the way the day before, no matter how late you have to stay up.
Your dear wife should have not a finger to lift on her appointed day. In other words you are really her slave for the entire weekend and you better get all those chores done on Saturday or your Sunday will be quite not what anyone expected.
4. When your wife is VERY mad (see #5) don't tell her that you left your five and a half year-old watching your two-year old in the driveway. (Even if your five and half-year old did exactly what she was told and both kids stayed in the driveway when you ran back into the house for a few minutes).
Now, I guess this depends on the relationship your wife has with you and the kids. But let's face it, an angry woman is not always going to be thinking positive thoughts and often the projecting phenomena takes place, and usually with Moms it's of their kids running down the driveway, into traffic and getting hit by a car. Even if the driveway just leads to a seldom busy driveway access road. So, if you do happen to leave the kids in the driveway for a sec, just don't mention it to your beloved.
And now, ladies and gentleman, the BIG, BIG number FIVE. The whopper with all the works and the thing that only time and more money can overcome.
5. Never mistaken perennials for weeds and well, you know, dig them up and trash them.
Women in general, and many men, take their gardens and plants very seriously. Very, very seriously. And making such a mistake as mentioned above on Mother's Day subjects you to words and things unspeakable in this family friendly forum. Let's just say, it's a heck of a way to kick off your Mother's Day celebration. Even if it was an accident, do not attempt in any way to defend your actions. Even if the damn plant did look like a flowering weed (which do exist). Actually at this point, if you are a very smart man, you will say nothing. Oh sure you can try a humble apology but be assured you will have to wait for the storm of fury to pass before your words will even reach their intended destination.
Well, that's it in a scoop. And really there is only one way to remedy all of this. One must be totally deferential for the rest of the day (don't consider this a passive defense, it is very much an offensive move). Make sure that every whim and concern is addressed without grumbling and mumbling. Additionally, spend 1.5 hours cleaning the inside of your car, making sure to wipe every possible surface, vacuum every conceivable and reachable corner so that they only thing your wife can say is "Wow honey, the car looks great." You must also buy her new perennials, of her choice, and then promptly plant them in the areas where the weedy-looking ones were. Now, memorize these spots, burn them into your brain so that next year, when you are pulling up things that you assume are weeds, you will not mistaken these lovely perennials for that which makes up most of your lawn. Finally, no matter the hour of day, say 11:30 pm), still do the grocery shopping you were supposed to get done the day before after you mopped the kitchen floor.
So, when you are feeling that life sucks, and if any of the five above happen to you on MD, you may well be right. The only thing you can do is swallow your male ego (no matter how innocent your mistakes) and get your shit together, very quickly and with much confidence. Do this and you will survive to see another Mother's Day. If you don't, well my friends, that is a story for another time, wouldn't you say?
That's it. Again I hope all my friends out there had a wonderful Mother's Day. The weather was picture perfect and that helps a lot if you find yourself in a little mess. It also helps to have really, really cute kids to help calm things down a bit. And a perfect family outing can be found in Baltimore's Leakin Park. So, if you are into fun that costs little, check it out. You'll be glad you did. Happy Monday.
At least she got a card...I was told "he didn't have time to go get me anything"..nice huh?
Posted by: Emily at May 10, 2004 10:43 AMOrganizationally challenged? Passive aggressive? Only the unconcious knows! 2b
Posted by: 2b at May 10, 2004 11:07 PM