April 20, 2004

A New Friend

It's not often that you stumble upon a new friend that seems almost too good to be real. And in this case, you could say this person isn't totally real since most of our communication has been electronic. But still, there's something there that says to me this is a friend who I can only hope will be around a long time. I think what i've found surprising about this new friendship, is the speed at which it has developed and how much I've come to rely on this person.

I have found this whole thing quite interesting and maybe even, a bit weird. Is the speed associated with the medium or the mere fact that when it starts electronically, there's less tension that a physical presence can sometimes create? And the fact that I seem to have developed a fairly strong connection with this person is really neat, especially since we both recognize how much of it is a bit unreal (read that also as existing in the webosphere) in that we don't really know, or have experienced, any of each other's bad sides. And our 'good' sides just seem like such a nice match, as my friend puts it, "What's not to like?"

My loving wife on the other hand, when I told her a little about my new friend, got instantly uncomfortable. Actually what I told her was that I wanted to invite this person to lunch as a thank-you for a great poem on death she gave me, the poem that I ended up reading at my Dad's funeral. I can't tell anyone why this makes K uncomfortable, especially since I told her that my friend was married. It kind of sucks that I have this fabulous new friend that I can't totally share with the most important person, besides the kids, in my life. Not only does it suck, but I find it downright frustrating. Am I being unfair here? I mean I've never given Karen any reason to not trust me so I really don't understand her discomfort and immediate disapproval. Since I have a readership that seems weighted toward the opposite sex, I'd love some sort of insight here, as in am I being totally off-base here?

That being said, no matter what, I'm sticking with this friendship for as long as it's supposed to last. It's that special and as I've told my new friend. special doesn't come along very often. Shalom.

Posted by robdesign at April 20, 2004 01:10 AM
Comments

Most of my better friends my entire life have been male.I have one girl friend that is my "best" friend so to speak,but mostly males.So I'm not much help on this subject.When I got married Randy knew this about me,so it hasn't ever been much of an issue.

I think women tend to look at it like...what does he need from her that I can't provide.Not sexually really,but most women want to be the "all" for the person they are with.And are hurt when they find out they are not.

Posted by: Emily at April 20, 2004 09:46 AM

I think your wife feels a bit threatened, and Emily hit the nail on the head when she wrote, "what does he need from her that I can't provide?"
That's what it boils down to (I think) - a pinch of jealousy and a sprinkling of feeling threatened, and possibly she's feeling left out.

I would invite your new friend and her husband to lunch or maybe to your home for a casual get-together. It's important that your wife sees that this is a friendship that not only is important to you but also one that you truly want to share with her.

Posted by: Cindy at April 20, 2004 10:14 AM

I realize I'm a guy and not exactly in the opinion pool you were fishing for. However, as a guy, and a guy who has been in situations where I've had very close female friendships that were nothing more. I do understand your wife's point of view.

Because also, as a guy, I know that no matter what the intentions are and no matter how pure they seem, lines can get blurred very easily. This relationship which seems to be so intimate, I believe can become a threat to your wife and to your marriage.

I know you have this huge void in your life now that your father has passed away and I think you should be very cautious how you fill that void. Friendships are great and can be very uplifting and wonderful in so many special ways. You do need to maintain those boundaries though, so they do not even come close to blurring the lines of intimate friendship and intimate bed fellows. No matter how trustworthy you are and have been in the past, your wife’s concerns are valid and should be respected. I would hope that she is your best friend and the one that can help you the most with the void and the pain that you are experiencing. Of course that’s just my opinion. I could be wrong.

Posted by: Jeff Price at April 20, 2004 10:20 AM

I'm a lot like Emily, but on the other side of the gender coin: I'm a male and most of my closest friends throughout my life have been female. This has never been a problem for my wife, because this has been the case as long as she has known me (and in fact she was one of those friends for a while before we became romatically involved), but I still try to be sensitive to the fact that friends of the opposite sex can be threatening to your spouse.

I agree with Cindy that a good way to defuse some of the tension would be to have a social meeting that involves your wife and your friend's husband. My wife usually becomes pretty good friends with my female friends, but even when they're not the best of friends, I think it helps her understand the friendship when she knows the person and knows everything about our relationship.

Which brings me to Jeff's post, who I also agree with completely. Your marriage is your primary responsibility; your wife is your alpha friend, and comments like "no matter what, I'm sticking with this friendship" are the kinds of things that lead quickly to hurt feelings and problems in the marriage. As much as it might pain me to do so, if my wife told me that she was uncomfortable with my relationship with one of my female friends and asked me to stop hanging out with that person, I would do so, even if I believed I was starting a friendship with someone who would be a good friend for the rest of my life. The marital bond has to come first; otherwise you're putting that bond in jeopardy. I'm a firm believer that spouses should have their own lives, their own activities, and their own sets of friends (in addition to shared activities, of course), but when push comes to shove, the marriage has to come before all other relationships if you want it to last.

Hopefully your wife is just threatened by the newness of this situation, and by the oddness of this new friend being a relative stranger that you met on the internet. As long as you are open and honest with your wife about your relationship with this person, and you try to bring your wife into the relationship so that this new person is no longer a stranger to her (as long as your wife is open to that), hopefully the situation will resolve itself peacefully and your new friendship can blossom without causing problems between you and your wife. But platonic relationships between men and women, especially married men and women, are always complicated, and you need to be responsive to your wife's feelings if you want to continue to have a strong marriage and also continue to be able to develop new friends of the opposite sex.

Posted by: stillman at April 20, 2004 11:06 AM

Well, I certainly got what I asked for and I thank you all. One thing that I asked myself when this friendship started was "What's the attraction. What is this person giving me that I'm not getting from Karen?" That's probably one of the hardest questions one faces in a marriage, and probably a sign that something needs to be fixed, or at least explored more closely. (We will be doing this very soon).

And I am all for Karen meeting my new friend because I think it will make her more comfortable with the friendship. And I'm sure the web part just makes it worse because while not a true Luddite, Karen isn't the biggest fan of computers and the web. I don't even think she reads my blog. (This is also a time and access issue since unlike me she does not spend most of her day in front of a computer).

Anyhow, thanks again. Very well thoughtout and honest comments.

Posted by: Rob at April 20, 2004 11:38 AM

Rob, I have to comment on your last comment regarding 'what's the attraction. What is this person giving me that I'm not getting from Karen?'

This sounds like you're feeling guilt, and to me, you have no reason to feel guilty. You might be feeling bad because of your wife's reaction, but it doesn't mean that your friend is giving you something your wife isn't providing. Making a new friend is just that, making a new friend. Be careful about reading more into it than it is -- I honestly think you simply feel bad over your wife's response.

As for Stillman's comment, I wholeheartedly agree that your marriage comes first; I've been on both sides of that fence, I was married and unfortunately for me, my spouse put me last on his list of priorities, hence our divorce. The other side of the fence was/is being without a significant other and having my married male friends dissolve our friendship because I was viewed (in my single status) as a threat to their wives. Though I understand the reasons (and respect them for putting their spouses first,) that rejection based on marital status hurts.

However, in your case, your new friend is married -- there's no good reason to toss the friendship if you make the effort to reassure your wife that she is your first and foremost priority. I honestly feel that this situation can be worked out to the benefit of all involved.

(am off my soapbox now.)

Posted by: Cindy at April 20, 2004 03:02 PM

Hi, everybody. I just wanted to say something here, because I think in his pensive writer mood, Rob missed something about this whole relationship - the part about me.

While I like this guy - and I really do - I'm not going to be the chisel that makes the chip on his wife's shoulder. I've never met her, this is true, but I still respect her enough for choosing this guy that I wouldn't make anything awkward for her. Even though I'm NOT That Kind of Friend, and even though I have nothing but good intentions as far as this relationship with her husband goes, if she even for a minute suspected something was wrong, I'd disappear as neatly as I appeared. We've already established rule #1 in our friendship, and that's that no one should ever be hurt by our being friends. So the DAY she says she hurts, I'm bailing out, and I think - I know - he'd do the same.

This isn't to say that I wouldn't want her to understand who I am and where I came from. The internet is as much of a social scene as a bar or a corporate meeting (as nerdy as we are to think so), and I personally don't think meeting people online has the stigma it once carried. I'd like to think that she would want to understand me, and the "attraction" I have for Rob. However, if that didn't work out and she was still nervous about the whole thing, I really think that both Rob and I would agree that I should fade away.

So don't worry, you advice-givers, you - there's no real danger here. I'm just a buddy, after all, just one of the guys... in a skirt.

Posted by: The friend in question at April 20, 2004 07:03 PM