Earlier today, I wrote about an issue that seems so trivial in the face of the problems my father faces. News from the home front tonight isn't all that good, and while I haven't totally processed it yet, this is my therapy or at least, the outlet for my feelings.
So there I was complaining about something I have total control over earlier today. The only thing keeping me there is money, I'll be vested in June, and a great view of the Harbor. How silly is that? My Dad, on the other hand, is fighting for his life as his cancer has taken three weeks of no medication as a road toward the end. Again, we have no idea how long or how soon. But speaking to him tonight, I've never heard him sound so, tired of the fight? The word from the front lines is that he hasn't been eating, has been too weak to walk and has spent a lot of time sleeping. I've told Mary Ann, Dad's wife, that I'm available on a minute's notice. Either plane or car, and I will be there if they need anything. It's all I can do at this point. Part of me, the selfish part I think, would want Izzy to come with me so she could say good-bye. That may be premature but I don't want her to miss that opportunity.
So, here we are in the waning hours of March. A rainy, cold day on forecast for tomorrow. Couldn't ask for better weather could I? Funny, that we talk about the weather when we run out of words or just can't connect with what we really want to say. Honestly though, I have nothing more to say. The facts are the facts. And this is one time where I really have no control of the outcome. It's all in G-d's hands, or the doctor's or the meds, or my Dad's. I don't envy him. I feel for him. I wish I could swallow the pain, take it away. I want to give him the energy to get on the damn plane come Monday morning. I want to get him psyched for baseball season, now underway. I want. I want, I want. I feel like a whiny kid. (Sorry Lucy) What's the damn point? What will life be like without my Dad here? I have no clue. My wife knows. She lost both her parents, her Mom before we were married, her Dad the year after. Her words to me, "prepare yourself." But really, can one prepare themselves to lose a parent? Too many unknowns for me. Too many for all of us.
Save a Prayer from the album Rio by Duran Duran
Rob, I wish you lots of strength for the future and hope your dad is as pain free as possible.
Posted by: Liz at April 1, 2004 04:44 AMRob, I wish you lots of the same as well. Stay strong through the rough family and work stuff, as you are doing. That's really all you can do to prepare. And savor whatever you can of the positives and joys, no matter how small they are some days.
Posted by: kelly at April 1, 2004 07:48 AMWow, Rob. Not that this is a post which you would want to have this said about, but you have moved me to tears this morning with what you wrote.
Last week, my mother discovered that the tumor she had removed from her spine in December is back and that she will have to undergo chemo again. This is not a good prospect in the face of my own personal "I want", which is that despite my rocky relationship with her, I want her to be at my wedding at the end of May.
While she has been battling lymphoma since 1996, I have seen her reach the giving up point several times. In a lot of ways, that has been the worst part of living with her cancer for me because no matter how much I might want to infuse her with the will to survive, I just can't make the cancer go away.
If you need anything, PLEASE let me know (this includes babysitting Liam if you guys decide you don't want to trek him upstate).
My day is kind of crazy, but I am here for you if you need to talk.
Posted by: tbtine at April 1, 2004 08:26 AMPS Bill says that he would even "crash-Liamizize" our house to prepare for the little visitor if you decide it's ok for him to stay here.
Posted by: tbtine at April 1, 2004 08:27 AMRob,I don't think you can ever truly prepare yourself for losing the person that gave you life.I still have both of my parents so I really don't know this from experience,and I really can't even fathom it.
All I know to tell you is enjoy what time you have with him,and yell and scream if you wnat...you're entitled.