wordsimageslife
an exploration of life as a parent & designer

Fun Morning, Sad Day...

I don't often whine on my blog but this is one of those days where I just need to share. It's cold, rainy and all of a sudden, after a truly wonderful morning with Liam, I'm feeling sad. I don't know if it's just all the stress I've been under lately, or a note I just sent a friend about a particular situation I'm dealing with, but there is certainly something there (here?) that I can't put my finger on.

Sorry to be so obscure but that's the way it has to be. Besides, as much as I enjoy knowing that there are a few hardy souls that actually care to read this litle bit of the blogosphere, the bottom line, no apologies, is that it's mine to mold the way I want. And in the biggest sense, it is like my life right now, all over the place. Still trying to find a voice. Someone mentioned to me that I might be too busy but really I disagree. Sure, this has been a busier then normal month (I have two meetings after work and a big fundraising event for AIGA, another event I'd like to attend next week and soon, managing Isabella's Tee-ball team, practice twice a week). But certainly, there are people out there with kids, with much busier lives. And I really need the activity. I'm not good sitting still, it drives me nuts, and I really enjoy being involved and meeting people and feeling like I 'belong.' Who doesn't? And I would love to spend more time at home but it just doesn't work out that way. And most of my activities, or even all of them, are either driven by business/networking needs or being more active in the kid's activities away from home. Sure, I occasionally feel overwhelmed but I take that as being fairly normal considering we have two kids and tons to do. Sure, I'd like to be able to do more at home (and I working on trying harder on that end) but I do believe that the things I've committed myself to are important. Last night I even made a list of the chores I wanted to finish last night. Granted I didn't eat dinner until 10 pm, and that was a mistake as it made me too tired to get more done, and then I just crashed at 12:30. But still, the list is there, some stuff got done, and for me, that's gotta count as progress.

(Last night was particularly crazy by the way, Izzy had Daisy's at 6:30 and I had a tee-ball meeting at 7:00. so we didn't get home until after 8 pm)

There's also a lot of pressure for me at work. Things with Martin, on the friends level we are fine, in our supervisor/employee relationship are still rocky. I actually told him to his face on Friday that I felt he was being micromanging, that I felt that my previous responsibilities had been taken away without reason and that essentially the job I loved had become something I wasn't really happy with. Which to me is a poor but logical explanation for my recent spats with bad proofing. (I still don't feel that design should be the sole scapegoat for content errors, whether it's about exectution or not....I don't have a problem taking some of the flack but I refused to accept full responsibility. ) Let's face it, the career path I once saw at DeAM has disappeared, I've got no one on my side (you need an internal mentor to help you grow) and while I can know I can hang on until my five-year anniversary and get vested, it's time to rethink my strategy. This holding down the fort alone in B'more is becoming more of a burden then a pleasure. And it's obviously weighing on my psyche more than even I probably can or will admit to.

Why is it sometimes hard to enjoy what you have and not want more?

(note to Mom, if you read this, don't worry i'm okay)

ITunes currently playingCigarettes and Chocolate Milk from the album Poses by Rufus Wainwright

Posted by robdesign at March 16, 2004 02:09 PM