Well, I was supposed to write yesterday about my wonderful weekend with the family and friends in the mountains of Western Maryland. Well, let's just say it was a wonderful weekend with lots of kids running around playing, laughing being irresistibly cute and precious. It was a weekend to renew, a weekend to stop and enjoy the world around us, good friends, kids, beer, good food, nature...it was just perfect. Then came the call.
It was actually Monday at 5:00. And I was the one who dialed. When we got home on Sunday, there was a message to call my sister Deb. It was about Dad. The results of his MRI were inconclusive and his bone scan showed many bright spots. This was either an indication that the cancer was spreading or a result of the chemotherapy. The plan to be discussed, depended on the final results of his PSA test. Those results would be in on Monday. If the numbers went up, chemo would be stopped immediately and he would be put on a experimental drug trial. If the numbers went down, well then he could go home to WV and continue chemo there. Throw the dice down and see what it's going to be.
4:58 PM EST, March 8 I call Dad and Mary Ann's place in NYC. Mary Ann picks up the phone and I immediately sense the anxiety in her voice. The news is not what we had hoped for, not that it's all the surprising either. Dad's cancer, despite the chemo, was spreading. Our new weapon in what I realistically know is a losing battle, not accepted emotionally, is BMS247-550, an experimental drug that has shown some success in killing cancers that have become resistant to chemo.
Back to today Hey, here's a positive thing to note, in order to qualify for the study, you have to have a life expectancy of at least 12 weeks. Such a joyful thought, you know? Now you know why I cried at the end of Big Fish. At least, for now, he's not in a lot of pain. And who knows maybe this drug will another few months to his life because I think that's the best he can wish for at this point. In my mind I'm thinking six months but not much more. The cancer has proven to be very aggressive and it doesn't seem all that interested in giving up. And let's face it, my Dad as wonderful as a man as he is, doesn't have the personality to necessarily fight this from within. I know that sounds strange but he's not a driven person. Oh G-d, this is so unfair of me. The man is dying and I am publicly judging him. What is my deal?? Sorry, really I didn't mean to take this route. I don't know what route I want to take. I know he's going to die. I know I haven't 'processed' that emotionally and this is my only outlet right now. Bear with me. That's all I ask. (Why do I always make things about me???)
Posted by robdesign at March 9, 2004 10:15 AMSorry the news wasn't what you were hoping for Rob.Maybe the new drug will surprise you and work wonders for him.
Posted by: Emily at March 9, 2004 06:28 PMon your blog space it can be about you and what you are feeling...you have every right to say whatever comes to you...it is helping with the processing that you have to do. at least he is not in too much pain right now. peace to you and your family.
Posted by: kelly at March 9, 2004 08:00 PMRob, I am so sorry to hear of your father's health. Do not beat yourself up for your comments concerning his personality traits. We love and accept our loved ones'strengths and weaknesses. Who's to say his way is the wrong way? It may be the right for him. We never want to think of losing family and friends, but it is a natural way of life. We need to remember that it could happen to any of us at any time and make the most of the time we spend with everyone that we love. A big hug to you because I share your pain and frustration. You and your family are in my prayers.
Posted by: Cindra at March 10, 2004 12:43 PM